They Asked How They Could Help... And I Blew It.
Nearly fifteen years ago, I launched my first nonprofit to support a national movement inspired by my film The Black Fatherhood Project. For several years, I lived and breathed that work. I was all in—driven, passionate, and fully convinced I was making the most of every opportunity.
Looking back, I don’t usually frame things in terms of “success” or “failure.” But in this case, I can say without hesitation: I fell short—of my vision, my potential, and what was absolutely possible.
Why? Because I was listening, but I wasn’t really hearing what people were trying to tell me.
I didn’t yet understand the coded language donors and supporters often use when they’re interested in joining a cause. Worse still, when someone asked what I needed, I didn’t have a clear answer. Or at least not a compelling one.
Here are a few moments I now see differently:
Example 1)
Them: What are you working on now?
Old Me: Oh, actually, we’re planning trainings for social workers across the country.
Them: That’s interesting! How do you pay for that? Do they bring you out?
Old Me: I’m still figuring that part out—some have paid, but others might not be able to.
Example 2)
Them: How can I see the film?
Old Me: I’ll let you know when the next showing is!
Example 3)
Them: What are the biggest challenges you’re seeing in the field right now?
Old Me: There’s too much money going toward promoting father involvement, rather than addressing the systemic barriers keeping dads from being present in their kids’ lives.
Example 4)
Them: What do you need to move forward?
Old Me: Wow, thanks! Let me think about that and get back to you.
See the problem? I made two critical mistakes—almost every single day—as I talked to people about my project:
I took people’s questions at face value, assuming they were just curious—not realizing they might be opening the door to help.
I wasn’t prepared to answer the most important question: How can I help? And I definitely wasn’t ready to talk about money.
I missed opportunity after opportunity. And eventually, I burned out—exhausted from going 100 mph with the gas light on.
It took years of working inside philanthropy and in the nonprofit sector to understand what I’d missed. I finally began to grasp the “secret language” of donors. And here’s the biggest lesson I can pass on to every nonprofit leader, especially those just getting started:
Always have a need—and an opportunity—for someone to meet it.
That’s your job. Whether it’s patching a roof, launching a new program, or hiring a second staff member, be ready with something real. Something that invites someone to be a part of the work.
The more seasoned you become, the better you’ll get at hearing what motivates someone—and matching that with the right ask. But even if you’re just starting out, remember this: something is always better than nothing.
Because when you’ve got nothing to offer, you risk missing the moment entirely. And trust me—I’ve missed enough moments for both of us.
Now, here’s how I’d respond today to those same questions:
Example 1)
Them: What are you working on now?
New Me: We’re gearing up to train social workers across the country, and we’re raising $75,000 to cover costs—especially since not all agencies have funding for fatherhood-focused work. Would you be interested in helping us meet that goal?
Example 2)
Them: How can I see the film?
New Me: We offer private screenings for donors or groups that support at the $3,000 level and up. Want to partner on bringing one to your community?
Example 3)
Them: What are the biggest challenges you’re seeing in the field?
New Me: Great question. We’re actually launching a campaign to raise awareness among policymakers about the barriers fathers face—like access to employment, housing, and healthcare. If that resonates with you, I’d love to talk about how you could support the work.
Example 4)
Them: What do you need to move forward?
New Me: Right now, I need to raise $50,000 to bring on an outreach coordinator. I’m also looking for an accountant willing to provide pro bono support. Could you help with either of those?
Much better, right?
So if you’re reading this and trying to get your message out—take it from me: Be clear. Be ready. And above all, be willing to let people help you. That’s how movements grow.
And if you found this helpful, please share it with your colleagues and invite them to